


saucy like a barbecue (but you won't get your baby back)

by petergouldjk



Category: Better Call Saul (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:02:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28123527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/petergouldjk/pseuds/petergouldjk
Summary: jimmy brings home dinner. inspired by megan thee stallion's song 'body'.
Relationships: Jimmy McGill | Saul Goodman/Kim Wexler
Comments: 13
Kudos: 14





	saucy like a barbecue (but you won't get your baby back)

**Author's Note:**

> i literally do not remember writing this

kim stretched one long lithe arm out to her expensive coffee table and wrapped her strong fingers around another meaty rib. the rib was coated in messy sauce but professional lawyer kim wexler couldn’t find it in herself to care. pulling her handful of meat straight back to her supple mouth, she chomped down hard on the sweaty bbq rib like it was a cob of corn and she was a prize pony at the state fair. 

jimmy was asleep nearby. 

kim chewed the meat so hard her jaw felt like it was getting a crossfit workout which was great because kim had let her crossfit subscription expire a few months ago (she thinks) so it was good that she was finally feeling like she was exercising again. jimmy awoke with a start, like a little boy on christmas morning who suddenly came face to face with santa, who is real in this story. he was happy as hell to see kim there, covered head to legs in meat and sauce.

jimmy whipped his little head around the room and looked at all the rib bones strewn (is that a word) around the room. it looked like that scene in the lion king where all the bones are there and the little hyenas are all sort of wrestling and the vibes are just off?? like it feels weird. but not to jimmy. he is horny for it, right away. boner city population james morgan mcgill. jimmy suddenly remembers his middle name and just fucking GROANS, like why is his middle name _morgan_? that’s kind of a unisex name but it leans towards being a girl name.

kim growls because she has so much meat in her mouth that she literally could not form words in english if she tried. jimmy gets it though, because she’s his girlfriend and he feels like he can read her mind. after all… he bought her all these ribs. because he loves her, because to him, she is a painting. because she called him at 2:47pm on a thursday afternoon and screamed, “JIMMY I WANT YOU TO BUY ME SO MANY RIBS YOUR LITTLE UGLY SHIT-CAR CAN BARELY CARRY THEM TO  _ MY APARTMENT  _ WHERE I GUESS YOU FUCKING  _ LIVE NOW _ !!! PAY ME RENT RETROACTIVELY BY BUYING ME EVERY AVAILABLE RIB IN THE NEW MEXICO AREA!!!”. 

he swooned, remembering her voice, remembering the way she giggled at the end of the call… like an angel; he pictured her floating up in the clouds like the gerber baby (but an age he was allowed to think about, with boobs). stop thinking about the GERBER BABY, JIMMY!! okay he stopped thinking about the gerber baby. 

except, okay - like, is the gerber baby _real_ or was it just a _sketch?_ like did someone be like “ _i don't care, bryan, just draw me a baby_ ” or did someone be like “ _draw me THIS SPECIFIC baby, bryan"_? jimmy would have to find out. he would not rest until he found out.

jimmy wrenched his thoughts back to kim, who was staring at him, still covered in the sauce. 

“i have to be in court in 12 minutes” groaned kim, suddenly looking like she was nervous for the first time in her entire life, because she is a true girlboss. he is openly horny about the fact that she is such a girlboss. one time she wore a sweatshirt that said A WOMAN’S PLACE IS IN THE HOUSE! AND THE SENATE! and he came so hard just from thinking about her being a girlboss then biting into a piece of multigrain toast that the landlord asked them to stop letting the bathtub overflow. there was no tub in this apartment. the landlord should definitely know that.

“babe i’ll drive you to court!!!” jimmy exclaims, throwing both of his (short) arms out wide, as if asking for the embrace of a brother named chuck who would never love him the way he wanted.

“is your car still covered in meat sauce??? is one of the doors still not the same colour as the other doors??? i dont fucking THINK SO!!!!!!!!!!!!” kim screeched, one tooth falling out. she picked up the tooth off the thick woolen carpet. she holds the tooth out for him to see.

“look at this tooth” kim says quietly, brushing the gorgeous hair from her eyes, somehow flinging bbq sauce onto parts of her apartment that had never before seen the light of day. “this tooth represents so much of this universe - it represents the darkness - the absence of light, the things you cannot begin to understand, it represents the light that comes from within when you are truly  _ seeing _ another person for who they are and not just who they wish they could be, it represents the constant push and pull between good and evil that can only be truly examined posthumously by a licensed medical doctor. but most of all it represents the fact that this tooth that crumbled out of my mouth is a little  _ bitch _ that couldnt take the _heat_. ‘the heat’ being all of this glorious glorious _meat_.” jimmy nods to hide his big boner that showed up every time she used the word ‘posthumously’. 

she shoves the tooth back into her mouth. she shoves it into the wrong part. a different part that’s not the part of her mouth the tooth fell out of. but kim doesn’t CARE about that and he LOVES that about her!! and boy oh boy does he have to make sure she gets to court in 10 minutes. (2 minutes have passed since she said 12 minutes.)

kim stands and stretches, so hotly, and thinks about what words she’s going to yell in court. maybe OBJECTION! or maybe something cool like NO FUCKIN WAY, MY GUY - but the guy she will be yelling at will be a female judge who will feel respected by being called a boy thing like ‘guy’. at the end of the day, boys are winners and girls are just little maids sitting in the corner making their scrambled eggs and thinking about sudoku. internalised misogyny reigns supreme through all walks of life, and you'd better believe it, or we have a snowball's chance in hell at eradicating it.

jimmy leaps up from his designated spot (outlined in chalk) on the very teeny corner of the couch where kim lets him sit when he’s trying to smell her hair but she wants to eat protein and he pulls on the nearest sweater. 

it is kim’s sweater and it looks ugly on him. it doesn’t fit and even though he’s bigger than kim, for some reason his tiny little arms are like t-rex arms and his fingers barely peek out of the armholes. wow. small, small arms on such a little baby boy. the babiest boy… perhaps… the gerber boy?

jimmy shakes his head FURIOUSLY to rid his peabrain of the one thought he has been too afraid to think his whole life, ever since one gangly man covered in fur standing outside a jewel-osco grocery store in cicero illinois screamed “YOU GERBER-BABY-LOOKIN-ASS BETTER WATCH MY FUCKIN _HOUSEPLANTS_ WHEN I’M IN _TORONTO_ , BITCH!”. this man didn’t know what he had done. he had not only introduced jimmy to a new type of thing (houseplant) but he had also planted a small seed (plant imagery, bitch) in his mind that maybe some day... he could be the gerber baby. it is important to have dreams. it is also important to keep those dreams inside your heart… watering them (more plant stuff... keep up) with your feelings and thoughts until they are ready to bloom (PLANTS. YO HIS DREAM IS A PLANT...THE HOUSEPLANTS FROM BEFORE… FROM THE GUY... OKAY? IT’S A METAPHOR. READ A FUCKIN BOOK, YOU MUSHROOM).

kim ripped off all of her clothes. “just kidding” she grimaced in her birthday suit. “i don’t have to go to court tonight. it’s 10:13pm on a thursday night and it would be absolutely wild if a court was open right now.”

jimmy chuckled lightly to himself, observing his insanely hot naked girlfriend, and thought about how she was totally right. no court WOULD be open right now. probably. it seems logical that court would not be in session this late at night. pretty silly.

jimmy started wriggling his way out of his very supremely hot girlfriend’s sweater that he had slithered into only moments before. his tiny hands were almost no match for the long tubes of sweater-material that shrouded his body.

kim clapped her hands together to turn off their automatic clapper lights. “alexa,” she said seductively, and he could still smell the bbq sauce in the air as if the air itself was bbq sauce. “play body by megan thee stallion”

alexa hummed to life on her little birchwood perch, her birch perch, her bperch. “ _PLAYING ‘BODY ODY ODY ODY’ YOU HOT SEXY MORALLY AMBIGUOUS LAWYER COUPLE WHO LOVE EACH OTHER DEEPLY BUT ALSO LIKE TO GET WEIRD SOMETIMES, AND ALSO ONE OF YOU IS WAY HOTTER THAN THE OTHER._ ” jimmy giggled. artificial intelligence was getting SO specific these days. the year was 2003 but alexa did already exist because jimmy remembers it and he is the one telling this story.

**that waist, that ass, them titties (that waist, that ass, them titties)  
** **if i wasn't me and i would've see myself, i would have bought me a drink (hey)  
** **took me home, did me long, ate it with the panties on (ugh, ugh, ugh)  
** **i could build a house with all the brick i got (yeah)**

alexa was _vibrating_ she was playing the song ‘body’ by megan thee stallion so loud. jimmy loved this song because it made kim dance so crazy. she only was allowed to do the lindy hop when she was a small girl, but she always yearned to do hip hop dancing the way the people in the dance movies that totally bombed in theaters did sometimes. 

he couldn’t see her, since she turned off the clapper lights earlier, but he could hear her gyrating, could hear the bbq sauce hitting the ground with a SLAP SMACK POP CRACKLE SHOOP BLAM.

he was so excited for the prospect of his super sensual girlfriend (who he was allowed to fuck sometimes no homo) slowly making her way over to him in the pitch black escape room that was her apartment (that she paid for). 

he thought for a moment about his fish - he was not sure he remembered to feed his fish today, but fish probably don’t have the same feeding schedules as people, they seem like they don’t need three square meals a day so the fish was probably fine. you know what was also fine, was the smell of meat, getting stronger, wafting more intensely into his enlarged nostrils that might someday be gerber-worthy.

“jimmy” kim breathed heavily. she was behind him, and he would bet his _life_ that she was not lindy hopping.

“i want you to take me home” she said as alexa blasted the song lyrics ‘TOOK ME HOME’ from the song body by megan thee stallion.

“i want you to do me long” she moaned as alexa blasted the song lyrics ‘DID ME LONG’ from the song body by megan thee stallion.

“and i want you to eat it with the panties on” she shrieked as alexa blasted the song lyrics ‘ATE IT WITH THE PANTIES ON (UGH UGH UGH UGH) from the song body by megan thee stallion.

jimmy stared pensively off into the distance, hard as a fuckin’ rock and trying desperately to remember when he started hating his own middle name. he takes a deep breath and turns towards the area where he can sense the strongest rib-stench emanating from in her apartment (that she alone pays for and he just lives at too).

“kim i would  _ like _ to do all those things… you have no idea how much i-” she cuts him off with a soaking wet hand on his face. it’s bbq sauce. a tear leaks out the side of his eye and rolls down his thumb face. some days he can't believe that she is real. she is perfect, she is beautiful, she is covered in marinade and she is singing a song to him that was very popular this year and it was sung by a woman who writes sexual lyrics because NEWS FLASH, WORLD!!! WOMEN ENJOY SEX TOO OKAY!!! WOMEN CAN BE GROSS.. WOMEN CAN BE ANYTHING THEY WANT… AND JIMMY- jimmy can be…

“jimmy” kim whispers, pressing herself (a solid 10, every single day, even when she has the flu) up against his body (a 3 at best on most days). “i believe that if you want to… you can be the gerber baby. you can be on the… what is it?” she licks her thumb and he smiles because he knows she loves licking meat sauce off her hands. “you can be the like, sketch, of that? baby? you can be the sketched baby... they use on the baby food jars. those tiny..” she trails off, and oh god, he is in love. he’s in love with this woman and he wants her to kill him. 

“kim?” he says in a normal voice. he doesn’t mean to kill the mood at all because he loves the mood that has been set by megan thee stallion’s body, but he says it in a normal voice because he has always had volume control issues. 

“hmm?” she half sighs, half grumbles, and he can feel her hip hop moves slowly become lindy hop moves, like she cant help herself - she has been fighting where she came from for so long he wonders what it would be like if she just let herself go. let herself lindy hop like she used to when she was young and free and couldn’t drive for shit.

“kim, i think we should have ribs every night.” he chuckles, way way wayyyyy too loud it’s way too loud and he knows it. she pulls back a little bit because of how loud he positively SCREAMED “ _ i think we should have ribs every night _ ” but she does not let her sweaty meat-covered hands drop from his absolute 2 body. 1 if we’re being real.

“jimmy i agree, on one condition.” she peeled herself sexily off of him (he was still wearing the sweater of hers also just so you remember that she is naked and he is wearing her sweater but his arms are too short to get out of the sleeves).

he waits, holding his breath, thinking about how even if his fish needed to eat the same amount as people, people can like accidentally skip meals and they’re totally fine so fish having been around for at LEAST a hundred more years than people should be totally fine to skip a meal. and what was fish food made of anyways i mean like fish food is FLAKES??? that FEEDS THEM?? they stay alive by munching those soggy FLAKES? could this fucking fish let him get sloppy with his meat-loving amazing gorgeous girlboss sexy bitch (sorry for saying bitch) wife girlfriend for like one night without needing FLAKES??

she stands up straight. he can’t see her but she mentions it later so he thought he’d add that part. she’s standing up straight in the dark room and she’s covered in meat and he has little t-rex arms and it’s perfect - they’re perfect. she’s perfect and he has never loved anyone more. he would die for her and she would kill for him and he thinks he’s allergic to meat but he’ll never tell her.

“we can eat ribs every night if you.. if you agree to…” alexa suddenly hits top volume. no one even said her name but alexa is playing body by megan thee stallion at TOP VOLUME so even though he knows kim is saying something so cool and so fucking HOT and so sexy and so girlboss, all he can hear is…

**body-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)  
** **ody-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody (ah)  
** **body-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody (ah, ah, ah, ah, ah)  
** **ody-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody (ah)  
** **body crazy, curvy, wavy, big titties, lil' waist (yeah, yeah, whoa)  
** **body crazy, curvy, wavy, big titties, lil' waist (whoa, whoa)  
** **body-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody  
** **ody-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody (hey, hey, hey, ah)**

...and you know what? 

that’s alright with him.


End file.
